Orphaned. Who will find me?

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With these feelings of mine, I tend to sing the following:

In the end,

Everyone ends up alone,

Losing her,

The only one who’s ever known,

Who I am

Who I’m not, who I wanna be

No way to know

How long she will be next to me

Lost and insecure,

You found me, you found me,

Lyin’ on the floor

Where were you? Where were you?

Lost and insecure,

You found me, you found me,

Lyin’ on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

Why’d you have to wait?

Where were you? Where were you?

Just a little late

You found me, you found me

Why’d you have to wait?

To find me, to find me

[Isaac Edward Slade]

I remember a time, when life was whole.

I remember those hot summer days, playing out in the land, getting hurt from climbing trees, tripping over rocks and stones from playing tag, being told off for getting dirty, or hurting myself- again, yet getting cleaned up every time, and taken care of so carefully, despite being the one making her worry.

I remember a time, when life was whole.

I remember those cold winter days, when food wasn’t always plentiful, when there wasn’t always enough firewood to keep us warm during those nights, but the warmth was felt through being in her arms instead. I remember how he used to come back home every evening, I would be waiting at the usual spot, eager and excited, his face pale, hands calloused, yet he would run towards me with his huge smile, then pick me up with a twirl and carry me on his back.

He would always tell me interesting stories, keeping my mind occupied with dragons, genies, and fairies. Of adventure, thrill and excitement. I didn’t ever have to occupy my mind with life’s difficult circumstances. Because I had my Mum and I had my Dad.

I remember a time, when life was whole.

Even if we never had very much, life didn’t feel incomplete. All the little things were more than enough. To me they were big things. I had something to look forward to each and everyday. I was happy.

I remember those days so clearly.

Then one day, a bright summer day, I went out running an errand. Because, you know, she asked me to. When I returned, she was on the floor face down, lying on top of a pool of red. All I could do was stand still.

Only when I heard the foreign sound of what appeared to be an explosion my attention diverted. I could see the grey of the smoke overtaking the clearness of the day. I followed its direction. It came from where he works the fields.

I went to find him, so I went to the usual spot. I was waiting for him. In all my silence, my fear, and my confusion, I was patiently, enduringly, pain-stakingly waiting for him. The sun had set; it was displaced by a darkened sky. I was still waiting. Until waiting brought back nothing.

I remember a time when life was whole.

I remember a time when there weren’t any holes.

I remember those days so clearly.

But those days are no more.

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So what is left for me to turn to?

﷽‎

وَالضُّحَىٰ

وَاللَّيْلِ إِذَا سَجَىٰ

مَا وَدَّعَكَ رَبُّكَ وَمَا قَلَىٰ

وَلَلْآخِرَةُ خَيْرٌ لَّكَ مِنَ الْأُولَىٰ

وَلَسَوْفَ يُعْطِيكَ رَبُّكَ فَتَرْضَىٰ

أَلَمْ يَجِدْكَ يَتِيمًا فَآوَىٰ

وَوَجَدَكَ ضَالًّا فَهَدَىٰ

وَوَجَدَكَ عَائِلًا فَأَغْنَىٰ

فَأَمَّا الْيَتِيمَ فَلَا تَقْهَرْ

وَأَمَّا السَّائِلَ فَلَا تَنْهَرْ

وَأَمَّا بِنِعْمَةِ رَبِّكَ فَحَدِّثْ

By the Glorious Morning Light,

And by the Night when it is still,-

Thy Guardian-Lord hath not forsaken thee, nor is He displeased.

And verily the Hereafter will be better for thee than the present.

And soon will thy Guardian-Lord give thee (that wherewith) thou shalt be well-pleased.

Did He not find thee an orphan and give thee shelter (and care)?

And He found thee wandering, and He gave thee guidance.

And He found thee in need, and made thee independent.

Therefore, treat not the orphan with harshness,

Nor repulse the petitioner (beggar);

But the bounty of the Lord – rehearse and proclaim!

[Surah Ad-Dhuha]

So for as long as I need to, I will keep going back to these words.

Helen Keller once said, “Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.” Photo taken in London, Waterloo.

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Thank you for listening.