Deluded by choice.

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

Oh Allah, please give me eyes that see, ears that hear and a heart that lives, aameen.

“Taste ye then – for ye forgot the Meeting of this Day of yours, and We too will forget you – taste ye the Penalty of Eternity for your (evil) deeds!” [As Sajdah, 32:14]

Allah swt gives us a lifetime to find him… so how deep are you in your search?

When I first read this verse it really struck me. Why? The reality of today is such that people and thousands of them have forgotten Allah, and though you might not realise, but this reality is a very sad and ugly truth.

There are so many signs that point to Him and His existence, look at how beautifully we have been crafted? Just look at the design of this world. Contemplate upon the nature of people. As Allah swt mentions time and time again, in the stories He swt tells us, that in these are lessons and signs for those who understand.

And it is He who spread out the earth, and set thereon mountains standing firm and (flowing) rivers: and fruit of every kind He made in pairs, two and two: He draweth the night as a veil o’er the Day. Behold, verily in these things there are signs for those who consider! (for people who reflect). [Surat Ar-Ra’d, 13:3]

A lifetime to find Him. Decades to return to Him. How are so many of us blinded of our end?

We turn from those signs, we forgot who made us, we failed to keep to our covenant, we did the worst thing possible, so on That Day, He will forget you.

“And remember the favour of Allah upon you and His covenant with which He bound you when you said, “We hear and we obey”; and fear Allah . Indeed, Allah is Knowing of that within the breasts.” [Surat Al-Ma’idah, 5:7]

The worst punishment is not being an inmate of the fire, rather it is not being able to see His face. It is of Him turning away from us, and on That Day we will realise our mistake. We will know where we went wrong, and how deserving we are of His punishment. For time and time again we will say “if only I had believed, if only I hadn’t rejected the message of the messengers, woe unto me, be it better that I were dust!”

Verily, We have warned you of a Penalty near, the Day when man will see (the deeds) which his hands have sent forth, and the Unbeliever will say, “Woe unto me! Would that I were (metre) dust!” [An Naba, 78:40]

But by then it will be too late.

I was examined in this lifetime, an entire lifetime to pass this exam.

All I had to do was find You.

Although the signs have all been around me, I ignored them. I didn’t marvel over the beauty in this world and think of its Maker. Rather I took photos instead, thought of how to beautify myself and competed in this world for fame and fortune. I concentrated on how many followers I could get on twitter, Facebook and Instagram. I spent hours on idle chatter, involved myself in things that didn’t matter, trying to gain the attention and approval of people I did not like.

I focused on looking better than others so I would feel as though I am better than them, and when I felt that people were being perceived as better than me, I resented them, backbited them, slandered them, tarnished them. I was so dead set in getting fortune that I spent years deceiving people out of their money, such that I let them trust me, took advantage of their trust and usurped them time and time again. I didn’t care about how I got my fortune, how many men, how many women I had to humiliate, manipulate and dishonour, so long as I had more money, their well-being did not matter. How I got it did not matter. I killed many to cover up my wrongdoings. I oppressed and threatened many purely to protect my interests. How people would be affected by my actions did not matter so long as my greed was satisfied.

I always wanted more.

In the end I was so determined in fulfilling my base vain desires, I had no moral compass to dictate what I do. It was all about satisfying what I thought would give me ‘happiness’. If it meant that I oppress others to feed my pride, to destroy those who in any way threaten what I am, to ruin and ostracise all that make me question who I am and highlight all that is evidently wrong with me, I would rather be ignorant, fuel my arrogance and leave my inferiority complex be, so I would not have to feel the pain of wronging others, I wouldn’t have to face the guilt of all of those I have humiliated and incurred losses upon, so that I would not need to confront the low being that I am. I have deluded my psyche in this way, so I can continue to do all the bad that I do without feelings of remorse to stop me. I continue to be consumed and obsessed in feeding my ego. I have become mechanised and automated in my heinous acts, that I no longer have the means to contemplate what morals are. I am blind to advice so I can live like the wretched person I am.

A path that led to my absolute and utter self-destruction, covered in a putrid and filthy mess. I am so deeply embedded in this filth that my eyes are covered- it has blinded me. My ears are full of and have soaked up this filth and everywhere I look this is where I am. A filthy place, that even light as abundant as it is could not overcome this barrier I have submerged myself in.

I am blind although I have eyes to see with.

I am deaf although I have ears to hear with.

When did I stoop so low? Just how much did I have to diverge that I reached this point of no-return?

Maybe none of this would have happened if long ago I turned away from this treacherous path.

But instead I went down this path full of distractions, surrounded by everything that was in the way of seeing You. I chose to keep going down deeper and deeper that the more I went down, the more lost I became. Until I was down so deep, I could no longer go back.

Thus the seal was placed on my heart. I could not see anymore despite having eyes. I could not hear again despite having ears.

But this was all due to the choices I made. A choice I made over and over again. Choices I made to ignore You. And in the process lose my humanity.

Deaf, dumb, and blind, they will not return (to the path). [Al Baqarah, 2:18]

I never tried to transcend and be better when I should have had. Instead I submitted to my wants and my needs. I chose my desires as my God.

Such is a life that doesn’t take heed of the Signs.

Such is a life without guidance. A life that is no life. A hollow being that doesn’t even know why it is here, how it came to be, where it will go after it dies. A life that lives purposelessly, for verily a life that goes on to purely satisfying the instincts and organic needs of its life is not a life that lives with purpose. It is simply a life that lives mindlessly, ungratefully, and robotically. Like an animal that enters this world, eats, sleeps, mates, does not know its purpose but simply acts upon instinct.

How then being human, a being blessed with intellect, taught the names of things, speech and language, and the noble capacity to learn and expand their knowledge belittle their lifestyle to that of an instinctive animal?

He Who taught (the use of) the pen,-Taught man that which he knew not. [Al- ‘Alaq, 96:4-5]

After seeing all that has been created and been given knowledge of this world, how can I possibly not know who He is?

How then is it that I don’t come to the conclusion that I have been fashioned so perfectly by an absolute Creator?

How then is it that I do not think deeply about my purpose?

How can I then deny my meeting with the Being that made me, after my death in this world?

All it takes is some thinking and some honesty.

Don’t let the first day you believe be the day your life ends here. Death is one thing that nobody, not even those that are in-denial of their relationship of being the created by their Creator can deny.

So won’t you wake up?

Because waking up when it’s all over, will be a time when you wished you had another chance.

“‘Now if we only had a chance of return we shall truly be of those who believe!'” [Ash-Shu’arā’ 26:102]

A time you wished you hadn’t ignored Him.

In that journey when you were meant to find Him.

Remember it is not the eyes that see,
Nor the ears that hear,
Rather the heart that sees,
And the heart that hears.

So lose not heart.

Taken last summer in Holland Park.
Taken last summer in Holland Park.


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4 thoughts on “Deluded by choice.

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